It begins

I was a little shy i must admit to publish my earlier post but then if i can help someone understand whats its like or reassure someone why not!I had initially decided i would publish everything when it was all over but what the hell!! The internet becomes your best friend during these times and you are googling every symptom, every possibility. Anyway it all began today with  an unusually painful ultrasound. Anyway after all the medical probing and injection jabs with a doggybag of more injections i went back to work. I have no idea what lays ahead. B* very sweetly suggested after the insane amount of times i crib that women do everything.. that for every jab i did he would prick himself too. I would never let him do that but thankful and touched he thought of that. I am in the process of figuring how to manage stuff at work and hopefully i will get to it
Next visit Saturday 24th, hope everything is Ok. Let the jabbing continue

2 weeks pre IVF - 10th Jan 2015

10th Jan

I was all set to do another round of IUI until i got the phone call. Based on our diagnosis the doctors felt we should go straight to IVF. I was a litle taken aback. All along, i had hoped ... please let me never reach the stage of IVF. But then the inevitable happened. I dont think there is a way to prepare  yourself for these things. What you tend to do is read the scores of information on the web, stalk community forums, get scared and then do the same thing all over again. Ive been there and have been doing that... but i dont want to any an ything any more. As Tasneem (i think  in many ways she was sent for me) told me our questions shuold be directed to the doctor and not the internet and thats what I'm going to do. Meanwhile i am back to yoga with a renewed sense of vigor and hope.A lady who i respect a lot and admire in the professional world called me up yesterday so that i would hear whatever she had to say first from her.She's extremely senior and  I am quite a small fry compared to her but my respect for her doubled after  she called.There  are still great people in the world!

The New Year.. the New Me??

Wow! its ironic to realise that the last post was a year and 2 days ago. What is it with New Years and how it makes you reflect on the year gone by!Ive been contemplating writing for a while.So let me do away with the perfunctory reflection of 2014 away!Ive had a decent year.Worked at the same place for 2 years now which if you know me is something!Revisited turkey,finally went to Mood I (the college kid  in me screams yeaah!) but i think it was the year when i realised i am damn it 33!It was my health that made me question it. I can visit all the countries in the world,attend college festivals but a certain condition i was not aware of was brought to my notice which made me realise I am old and there is no 2 ways about it

Its a  little discomforting,a tad terrifying to wake up to the reality. Earlier i would also say i was 'around 30' . Or if someone asked me' are you 30' .. I would shrug and say Yup,sorta...

Now its different. Well the good news is I am doing yoga and conscious about what i eat and nutrition.
On the other hand,I am going through some personal tough times that i didn't think i would go through.It makes you revaluate your life and what you are doing and how you are spending it.The only resolution i have this year is to meditate, shut the noise out and connect with myself. I do hope i can overcome this

The Small town complex & Nicolas Black

Earlier today I got a messsage from an old dear friend of mine from London that one of my old friends had walked into her house!  That's the magic of the  internet/whatsapp/messaging. ... its instant. 

But it was a kind of a special friend she had run into... And it brought back a lot of memories Almost a decade ago, this charming(in a geeky sort of way that i like) had asked me out through a friend. A nervous me decided to meet this boy for lunch. It would be harmless, plus a good meal to someone living in a pathetic hostel was always  welcome. i didn't think it would admit to much. I thought i was rather boring and run of the mill compared to the hundred of super smart articulate Bangalore girls my college boasted about( also popularly known as the small town girl complex).  Wearing  a 'reasonable' choice of clothes that was both modest and regular a.k.a boring (it was a plain baby pink collared shirt) i wanted to make the statement that i was ' just randomly stopping by and i had not thought about it at all..,.. the reality was it was the first time any of this had happened to me and i must have ironed my shirt at least 6 times before i wore it.

The boy was nice to me,let me order a lasagna from a  popular restaurant close to my college which i felt terrible about wasting partly because i was too nervous and depressed that i made  someone spend money on me (gosh... how naive was i ).But what i did remember that i had an interesting conversation when i was making sure no one from college or anyone else saw me so i was adjusting my seat most of the time and turning my head awkwardly around. I don't think i allowed myself to enjoy as much as i should  have a perfectly nice lunch. We met on and off and emailed each other(the era of usa.netand yahoo!) for a few days in the coming weeks/months but i was too much of a prude i think to take it forward. .. Like i told my friend in London, it was my self imposed moral code that stopped me from it. I think where i came from ' good girls' didn't do things like that. We were always 'friends with guys' and were going to get good jobs.. nothing else.  The potential progression to 'girlfriend status' was something that made me run in the other direction and turned me into a bundle of nerves .

 I often felt guilty to even experience  mad partying unless i was dragged out back in college days... and trust me living away from home i had enough and more opportunity.I wonder if my self imposed moral code held me back in experiencing life a little bit.

I wonder if it would have later helped me especially in the matters of the heart.I guess we arent brought up to date boys so most girls either do it behind their parents back and rebel and the other ones become like me, prudish goody two shoes inside but try to show the exterior world  that everything's cool.

I didn't remain (atleast in my head) a prude for ever and eventually did  have the guts to take things forward with a boy i liked who eventually became my husband later(no credit to me) on but i did have hiccups along the way.  I was not honest with my feelings earlier in many earlier potential relationships and my first intinct was always to run, look the other way  and not think about the complications.  But to Nicolas Black (obviously my code!) I will always be thankful for giving me the experience:) Here's to you...

A Great day...

Yesterday was a great start  to the New Year J Which is unusual considering  most new year days I usually do nothing. Perhaps it had to do with a friend in town. We sped of to ‘Britannia’,an Iranian café with an old world charm. Nestled in a  fairly European colonial looking  neighborhood which is so  far removed from the andheri east suburbs I live in it  feels like you are on holiday the minute you step inside. With a  doddering yet friendly octogenarian owner who goes around chatting up with people around and taking their orders  this little café  is all about what is written on their tissue towels ‘ There is no greater love than the love of eating’

Fussfree and minutes later,our table was full of Berry Pulao, Chicken Sali, Mutton Cutlet, and the most delicious caramel custard. Filled to the brim we set off the Chor Bazaar. Narrow streets with goats running everywhere the friendly uncles around guided us to Mutton Street . It was difficult to keep track of the 3 of us as each one would disappear into a shop and would be wonderstruck by the goodies, film posters, old gramophones, antique phones, telescopes that were on offer.  None of these things are really mandatory buys or are things ‘we need’ but we did end up picking up an antique clock  (who knows when we’ll come back).We found our way back to Taj and after leaving our car there we sort of wandered about in Colaba Causeway and finished it off with a drink at Leopald. We were exhausted by the end of the day. One thing that really stood out that no matter where we were people were so friendly and helpful. Whether they were chatting on the phone or playing a cards game with their cronies, they stopped, gave us directions..Sometimes even coming with you for a little while to make sure you are not lost. As my friend said, Mumbai is so fast paced and everyone is in a tearing hurry all the time; traffic and roads could make it a really difficult city to live in if not for the warmth of the people and THAT makes all the  difference…

The mandatory goodbye 2013 post!

Gosh.. Its really been a while since i last posted. My last post seemed to be a rather inspid venting out post and i hope i have less of that.So it beens a year since we've come to mumbai. What was 2013 like? arguably one of the toughest years *b went through workwise...
As for me..Well I've been  on leave and the plan was to explore south mumbai on my own, visit chor bazaar, do all the 'mandatory things one 'must' do when one's a tourist.

Well... no surprises i did nothing! I'be just been sitting back, relaxing thinking about the year that went by. at least that's the excuse i would give anyone who would call me lazy!so 2013
1. finally I had a steady job and a job i like which is saying quite something considering the recent few years
2. I finished a year at the job which may seem like nothing to  most people but is for me
3. Travelled to the mysterious Egypt and breathtaking New Zealand 
4. My family temple which is my parents' pet project is rebuilt and im glad to see they are happy!
5. I restarted yoga which is a huuge deal for me :)
6. witnessed/witnessing my adorable nephew grow up and  seeing another side of my sister for the first time in my life.. now she has someone else to boss over!!
7.  Did a fair bit of cooking.. 


The more and more i write i realise that life is about the smaller things, and as i learn recently that its about exploring happiness under your own roof....
I hope 2014 brings me to a new phase of life..
I just need luck and the world to agree I'm ready...

sad :(

I have been meaning to write about Mumbai for a while.But today I'm feeling so down and low for completely different reason. For now let's just call it a 'complete goof up' . And that does happen very often to me and certainly not in my second month of  a new job but i just feel awful. I just want to fix things but i there is no time. It isn't entirely my fault but all of us who worked on the project thought it would come out Ok.I feel so utterly helpless and dismayed. I have not faced situation like this very often and perhaps thats why I find it difficult to deal with especially when i have no control over fixing it. We just have to deal with what we have,keep the chin up and move on

I cant wait for 2 weeks to pass when all this will be history and hopefully people will forget about it. Maybe I am being dramatic.But its an inexplicable feeling. I was just beginning to like everything and was actually considering myself lest i say,'lucky'.B* told me there's never a good time or bad time, its just time. Maybe i should listen to him more

I guess i tend to get too emotionally involved. I must decide to let things fail and allow them to never happen again. I need to be more balanced,more calm and not hyper ventilate.