An update on the Future

Well.. its been a few days and i felt like i was waiting for the results of my board exam or CAT! I was cautiously optimistic. We retrieved 9 eggs and 3 of them made embryos which is good, since some of them made great quality embryos, not so good since we hoped for more...
So the long and short story is that i will do another egg retreival cycle...but on a slightly different protocol..something which is called Mini IVF or IVF lite. Its supposed to more tablets and  very few injections (this was the part that convinced me to do it). Its a protocol usually followed by people who have diminished ovarian reserve. I am now on a break from all the jabs,digging,scans etc.... And enjoying it

M, B & I had a lovely lunch at Yautcha!We were excited to spot celebrities (andheri east dwellers get excited at this sorta thing) but more than that it was nicve to see M talk about other things than her little one! It was nice to see her get excited about the food and for once it seemed like it was like the good old days of Singapore.I am slowly getting back to my excercise regime.. Though laziness gets the better of me and hopefully will lose the weight soon that i think ( injections and hormones) made me fatter (though in reality it may just be all the junk food!)

I intend to enjoy this weekend too and got reservations for B and I at 2 places Ive been wanting to try out. Sunday is India vs Pak and i want B to spend it with the boys. I think he's been taking it harder than me.And i see him worried and stressed out a lot (Elegantization effect). I shouldn't be presumptuous but i think Ive handled it decently so far. If course i have my down days but i think i just count my blessings that we've gotten this far. Like i tell B , we've got a fabulous team who i trust implicitly so i think its a matter of time.We need to stay positive and visualise and it WILL happen!!

'The 'pick up'

For most people, a pick up alludes to the end of a romantic evening of 2 people interested in each other maybe just for a night or who knows what could happen technically.It could move on to be something beautiful. In  the IVF world a pick up is more of a colloquial way of calling the egg retrieval. Somehow pick up makes it seems less technical. Sort of picking up someone and dropping them of at the airport. Here its the eggs being picked up and taken to the lab and  then mixing  them up sperm to form beautiful sperms. 
I was given strict instructions,nothing by mouth after 12 pm till after the procedure. At 8 30 i was at the clinic where Reshma and Sujatha whisked me away to change into my gown and finish all the paperwork. Sweetly Sujatha got me hooked up to IV and sweetly said.. don't worry this is all that's going to hurt. Next thing you know you will be back here and wondering what happened. She couldn't be more right. I headed to the freezing OR and as i was being strapped on by many things i fell asleep. Next thing i wake up in the resting room slightly dizzy excited to see* b there waiting for me.For the next 2 hours i just took it easy with *B giving me sips of water every now and then. I was good to go in a few hours after i visited the bathroom and the doc and nurses  had seen to it that i was good to go. there was slight cramping and uneasiness the whole of the day but nothing super painful. I am on leave today as well. Thought i would take it easy! I deserve it.. to relax and rejuvenate

Mid cycle

It’s been 12-13 days since we started out IVF cycle. My one injection  a day  went up to 3 a day and if you look at my stomach it looks like a pick up truck rode over it. Shades of blue, pink, redness etc. We’ve been to the clinic practically every day for ultrasounds, tests, scans etc. the process is nerve-racking and difficult and I realise it’s as much of a mind game as it is a physical one. You need to believe in the greater picture… the vision and  feel it in every bone of your body. I’m scheduled for my retrieval or as they say in the IVF world ‘ pick up’ on Tuesday and I Reshma sister is coming home to give me my trigger shot at 10: 30 pm. I still have a long way in the journey .. My transfer, my hysteroscopy.. etc but I KNOW that this is my last round of injections with the trigger tonight. I believe.. I know that we will be blessed. More than anything I am so thankful for the effervescent Dr S who is with me every step of the way monitoring my follicles with more excitement than me. The wonder women/nurses sujatha,Bismillah and Reshma who administer all the injections, stuff and prepare me for scans with the quiet reassurance that it will all be worth it in the end.And of course the stud that B has been, holding my hand throughout all our appointments and doing impressions of things that make me smile and bringing in some fun with the phus phus and blums(our code words) . This process is stuff on couples emotionally andn physically exhausting .He’s my rock and I know someday when we look back at this when we are in bed with our son and daughter and scruffy pup we will look back on these days.. laugh and be thankful

It begins

I was a little shy i must admit to publish my earlier post but then if i can help someone understand whats its like or reassure someone why not!I had initially decided i would publish everything when it was all over but what the hell!! The internet becomes your best friend during these times and you are googling every symptom, every possibility. Anyway it all began today with  an unusually painful ultrasound. Anyway after all the medical probing and injection jabs with a doggybag of more injections i went back to work. I have no idea what lays ahead. B* very sweetly suggested after the insane amount of times i crib that women do everything.. that for every jab i did he would prick himself too. I would never let him do that but thankful and touched he thought of that. I am in the process of figuring how to manage stuff at work and hopefully i will get to it
Next visit Saturday 24th, hope everything is Ok. Let the jabbing continue

2 weeks pre IVF - 10th Jan 2015

10th Jan

I was all set to do another round of IUI until i got the phone call. Based on our diagnosis the doctors felt we should go straight to IVF. I was a litle taken aback. All along, i had hoped ... please let me never reach the stage of IVF. But then the inevitable happened. I dont think there is a way to prepare  yourself for these things. What you tend to do is read the scores of information on the web, stalk community forums, get scared and then do the same thing all over again. Ive been there and have been doing that... but i dont want to any an ything any more. As Tasneem (i think  in many ways she was sent for me) told me our questions shuold be directed to the doctor and not the internet and thats what I'm going to do. Meanwhile i am back to yoga with a renewed sense of vigor and hope.A lady who i respect a lot and admire in the professional world called me up yesterday so that i would hear whatever she had to say first from her.She's extremely senior and  I am quite a small fry compared to her but my respect for her doubled after  she called.There  are still great people in the world!

The New Year.. the New Me??

Wow! its ironic to realise that the last post was a year and 2 days ago. What is it with New Years and how it makes you reflect on the year gone by!Ive been contemplating writing for a while.So let me do away with the perfunctory reflection of 2014 away!Ive had a decent year.Worked at the same place for 2 years now which if you know me is something!Revisited turkey,finally went to Mood I (the college kid  in me screams yeaah!) but i think it was the year when i realised i am damn it 33!It was my health that made me question it. I can visit all the countries in the world,attend college festivals but a certain condition i was not aware of was brought to my notice which made me realise I am old and there is no 2 ways about it

Its a  little discomforting,a tad terrifying to wake up to the reality. Earlier i would also say i was 'around 30' . Or if someone asked me' are you 30' .. I would shrug and say Yup,sorta...

Now its different. Well the good news is I am doing yoga and conscious about what i eat and nutrition.
On the other hand,I am going through some personal tough times that i didn't think i would go through.It makes you revaluate your life and what you are doing and how you are spending it.The only resolution i have this year is to meditate, shut the noise out and connect with myself. I do hope i can overcome this

The Small town complex & Nicolas Black

Earlier today I got a messsage from an old dear friend of mine from London that one of my old friends had walked into her house!  That's the magic of the  internet/whatsapp/messaging. ... its instant. 

But it was a kind of a special friend she had run into... And it brought back a lot of memories Almost a decade ago, this charming(in a geeky sort of way that i like) had asked me out through a friend. A nervous me decided to meet this boy for lunch. It would be harmless, plus a good meal to someone living in a pathetic hostel was always  welcome. i didn't think it would admit to much. I thought i was rather boring and run of the mill compared to the hundred of super smart articulate Bangalore girls my college boasted about( also popularly known as the small town girl complex).  Wearing  a 'reasonable' choice of clothes that was both modest and regular a.k.a boring (it was a plain baby pink collared shirt) i wanted to make the statement that i was ' just randomly stopping by and i had not thought about it at all..,.. the reality was it was the first time any of this had happened to me and i must have ironed my shirt at least 6 times before i wore it.

The boy was nice to me,let me order a lasagna from a  popular restaurant close to my college which i felt terrible about wasting partly because i was too nervous and depressed that i made  someone spend money on me (gosh... how naive was i ).But what i did remember that i had an interesting conversation when i was making sure no one from college or anyone else saw me so i was adjusting my seat most of the time and turning my head awkwardly around. I don't think i allowed myself to enjoy as much as i should  have a perfectly nice lunch. We met on and off and emailed each other(the era of usa.netand yahoo!) for a few days in the coming weeks/months but i was too much of a prude i think to take it forward. .. Like i told my friend in London, it was my self imposed moral code that stopped me from it. I think where i came from ' good girls' didn't do things like that. We were always 'friends with guys' and were going to get good jobs.. nothing else.  The potential progression to 'girlfriend status' was something that made me run in the other direction and turned me into a bundle of nerves .

 I often felt guilty to even experience  mad partying unless i was dragged out back in college days... and trust me living away from home i had enough and more opportunity.I wonder if my self imposed moral code held me back in experiencing life a little bit.

I wonder if it would have later helped me especially in the matters of the heart.I guess we arent brought up to date boys so most girls either do it behind their parents back and rebel and the other ones become like me, prudish goody two shoes inside but try to show the exterior world  that everything's cool.

I didn't remain (atleast in my head) a prude for ever and eventually did  have the guts to take things forward with a boy i liked who eventually became my husband later(no credit to me) on but i did have hiccups along the way.  I was not honest with my feelings earlier in many earlier potential relationships and my first intinct was always to run, look the other way  and not think about the complications.  But to Nicolas Black (obviously my code!) I will always be thankful for giving me the experience:) Here's to you...