Earlier today I got a messsage from an old dear friend of mine from London that one of my old friends had walked into her house! That's the magic of the internet/whatsapp/messaging. ... its instant.
But it was a kind of a special friend she had run into... And it brought back a lot of memories Almost a decade ago, this charming(in a geeky sort of way that i like) had asked me out through a friend. A nervous me decided to meet this boy for lunch. It would be harmless, plus a good meal to someone living in a pathetic hostel was always welcome. i didn't think it would admit to much. I thought i was rather boring and run of the mill compared to the hundred of super smart articulate Bangalore girls my college boasted about( also popularly known as the small town girl complex). Wearing a 'reasonable' choice of clothes that was both modest and regular a.k.a boring (it was a plain baby pink collared shirt) i wanted to make the statement that i was ' just randomly stopping by and i had not thought about it at all..,.. the reality was it was the first time any of this had happened to me and i must have ironed my shirt at least 6 times before i wore it.
The boy was nice to me,let me order a lasagna from a popular restaurant close to my college which i felt terrible about wasting partly because i was too nervous and depressed that i made someone spend money on me (gosh... how naive was i ).But what i did remember that i had an interesting conversation when i was making sure no one from college or anyone else saw me so i was adjusting my seat most of the time and turning my head awkwardly around. I don't think i allowed myself to enjoy as much as i should have a perfectly nice lunch. We met on and off and emailed each other(the era of usa.netand yahoo!) for a few days in the coming weeks/months but i was too much of a prude i think to take it forward. .. Like i told my friend in London, it was my self imposed moral code that stopped me from it. I think where i came from ' good girls' didn't do things like that. We were always 'friends with guys' and were going to get good jobs.. nothing else. The potential progression to 'girlfriend status' was something that made me run in the other direction and turned me into a bundle of nerves .
I often felt guilty to even experience mad partying unless i was dragged out back in college days... and trust me living away from home i had enough and more opportunity.I wonder if my self imposed moral code held me back in experiencing life a little bit.
I wonder if it would have later helped me especially in the matters of the heart.I guess we arent brought up to date boys so most girls either do it behind their parents back and rebel and the other ones become like me, prudish goody two shoes inside but try to show the exterior world that everything's cool.
I didn't remain (atleast in my head) a prude for ever and eventually did have the guts to take things forward with a boy i liked who eventually became my husband later(no credit to me) on but i did have hiccups along the way. I was not honest with my feelings earlier in many earlier potential relationships and my first intinct was always to run, look the other way and not think about the complications. But to Nicolas Black (obviously my code!) I will always be thankful for giving me the experience:) Here's to you...
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