23 weeks(around 6 months)

Wow... Im 23 weeks! The other day *B rested his hand on my bump and immediately he felt a couple of kicks! His eyes went wide and gasped in delight saying ' oh wow oh wow'. He went on to gush about the miracle or rather miracles that was growing within me and we just looked at each other and smiled. * B is going through an incredibly tough time at work. I have never seen him this stressed . Once we've moved to India, I've seen him work on weekends, his hair go grey,generally super busy! 

I'm glad though he gets enthralled by the pregnancy. He is more excited to read the pregnancy book than me,gets super paranoid at the mention of any pain..And loves to talk (sorta atleast) to them... I guess maybe all dads to be are like this but its super cute to watch!

Over the last few weeks Ive become bigger, i walk slower and very few things actually fit me. We have begun discussing potential baby names, where and what to put all there paraphernalia!I'm also excited that Amma is coming! She is great at these things.. design and organization:)

At work they are hiring  anew person though lot of people have come to me asking me if i have put in my papers as everyone wonders why they didn't hire an extra person before and doing it now!Anwyay... regarding work.. I will decide if/ when i have to to when i need to cross the bridge

In a few weeks i will have another scan and my OGTT test. I hope everything will be ok!

18 weeks

Its 18 weeks now and showing! I've had to buy larger clothes which i can alter later when i will hopefully come back to my normal size!I can see people looking at my stomach and smiling kindly!
There is genuine kindness and happiness all around. 2 days back a delightfully nice neighbor called me into her home when were discussing something as mundane as a lemon juicer and  insisted i have a scrumptious meal at her home impromptu.. fried rice, fish curry, paneer curry!  I love to see * B eyes sparkle when he talks about the 'little ones' and talks about them! I try and not get too scared about the kziollions stories you read online. I think the key is to remain positive and happy though its easier said than done! As dr padma told me, write your own destiny and story!

3 months up!

* B and I were nervously waiting for this milestone. It was official. We could scream it from the rooftops and it would  be ok!! We held each others hand and gulped!  Finally.. we havw reached it.. Amma and Acha were dying to spill the beans so soon we began seeing  a flurry of messages and calls as we answered and relived the great news again and again. I started telling  my friends, confirmed the news when  people asked me and its been general happiness all around. * B can no longer put of my requests to discuss potential baby names :) and i can see the excitement creeping out on his face. We  have begin to see a regular obgyn and it still takes a little getting used to being one of the ' pregnant women' in line. Of course, i miss rotunda but i wish i never have to be a patient there! all was going well until last week when  i came down with terribly high fever and after that i was diagnosed with my asthma coming back. Its been difficult and * B was panicking but  I am slowly and surely returning back to my old self.

Clothes are not simply not fitting and I'm begining to think of creative ways to use my old clothes. I think a shopping trip is due quite soon! It was also BEYOND fantastic to have Amma at home! I hope she come soon again!... Anyway until my next update...

Between 8&9

We had our 6 week scan and now our next milestone scan is end of this week.Its slowly sinking in but but sometimes when Molu tells me about maternity pillows or amma points out a swelling on my leg which is apparently part of the process I get freaked out. Freaked out that i know absolutely nothing. I think  Molu poured over books and articles and is the general expert on this. For me... its all rather overwhelming and scary. So far its been ok... I'm scared to say that out aloud fearing that the minute i acknowledge it it will all go downhill and scary.Amma being here is the absolute blessing of it all and she has pampered me like anything so much so i refuse it now saying.. no.. i should not get used to it.I haven't told anyone at work yet apart from my boss though a few people may have guessed it by now. My pants are not fitting me anywhere and most if the time in my room i  don't fasten my pants and wear a jacket on top of me. I have dried fruits and some snacks next to me on my desk. I am more casual(in a good way) about projects and don't unnecessarily fret.

I'm happy, nervous, excited, scared all at the same time. Fingers crossed all will be good :)

I see the line!!

The 2 week wait was agonizing. Even so as i didn't have too many symptoms and towards the end i got a little scared and terrified and kept googling" bfp without any symptoms". The day came and we went to the clinic where I met Sujatha(thank god she was there!) and quietly reassured me when i told her about my lack of symptoms" If it has to happen,it will.. nothing can stop it" I was working from home so i kept checking my phone every hour to see if Dr sheetal had any update!My message at 10:30 was met with a ' Dont worry poorna, we dont get the results so faast.. maybe by evening..' I somehow got through the morning and afternoon and at 3 i was wondering .. doesn't this time qualify as early evening. let me message her. I got a call right about then and quickly recognized Dr sheetals voice! She said' Oh wow.. you recognized my voice.. good good.. you will need to see more often now!. We were ecstatic and i was giddy with excitement.She said i needed to come again for another beta HCG 48 hours later. I was thrilled.. I called * B.. He was on top of the world ! When he came home he said excitedly...lets do a HPT and see the line." I was like oh yeah.. you need to use the first pee in the morning and i get up at 3 these days.. You game. While he was excited and said yes.. i didn't expect him to follow through...Around 3 i got up and nudged him and said..im going.. now or never. Now its usually difficult to get him out of slumber so quickly particularly at 3 in the morning. he was up like a button and kept grinning at the stick! Meanwhile.. i went back to sleep or hoped to until he came back running" i see the line.. i see the line

The reception i got from both dr sheetal and dr ritu was amazing when i went in for my second test later. They were so amazing! So happy and thrilled for me. Im glad I have  had them with me... actually everyone at Rotunda.. Them, Sujatha, Ramona,Muskaan,Bismillah, Reshma!!

The next few weeks are critical and i hope all's going to go well! Tommo is my 6 weeks scan.  Fingers crossed everything is going to be fantastic!

The 2 week wait!

In any sort of fertility treatment the 2 week wait is the most dreaded. Not that physically it is super challenging. You get so used to the jabs, pokes that you are almost used to it dare i say!The first time around  I was googling every tiny bit of symtom i had. Even though at the back of my mind i knew progesterone was behind most of it, you go into overdrive and stalk all the forums building hope.. building your future and its even more awaful when it comes all crashing down when you geta  negative result

This time around i decided to take a few days off to detach myself and take a break from work. It was surprisingly a great week. I got back to reading... a chick flick called The Pricey Thakur Girls.. chick lit, read andre Agassi's pretty intriguing biography' Open' and Sadhguru(all about Jaggi Vasudev).
I also saw one of the most insightful movies Ive seen in a really long time.- Inside Out.a brilliant movie with a fabulous premise. I want to meet the creator Pete Doctor so badly now!Also had a fabulously fun evening with a person i met for the first time who is a fertility specialist so we could joke about our jabs and pokes over dinner loudly!

But i do admit I've been googling ..'no symtoms after ET'... So am a  little nervous this time around.
I dont know what the future is in front of me.. I am still cautiously optimistic 

Forging Ahead....

We were devastated when the first FET didn't work. We were unhappy for quite a few days and tried to cheer each other up. It took a while but we had to decide how/ when to move forward. I was certain i didn't wait to wait too long so we visited Dr Sheetal and decided to do the FET in June end .. (a week from now!)We also decided to look at options that we had not explored earlier to help in implantation like the Endometrium Scratching. I'm not going to write the technicalities but its essentially what it  sounds like.. 'scratching the endometrium'. I was  a little scared as i had read reports of all sorts of things  on the internet. The actual process was actually really short. While the 'scratches happened' there was quite a bit of cramping but for anyone who's doing IVF i think its not too big a deal... Uncomfortable none the less. But of course i had  Sujatha (my guardian angel ) who held my hand and prepped me for it!
The  Mumbai monsoons have come full throttle and it is a little difficult to go for my appointments and I'm so glad i did my pick ups earlier. I don't know what is ahead and the less I think of it the better. Its B's bday just the day before and mine a month later so i hope we get a fabulous birthday gift :)
Pray for us...

And the result...

The dreaded 2 week wait dragged on. We sat at home pretty much, ate good nutritious home cooked food, watched funny mallu movies and took it slow. I was super confident and beaming most of the time. Of course i googled every tiny symptom i had but did not obsess over it. I was quite happy with the way everything had panned out and of myself. The day came.. unfortunately on a Sunday so we knew we would get the results only on Monday. I was beaming from ear to ear when Sujatha took my blood. I was calm, reassured until monday came! I kept messaging Dr sheetal. * B kept messaging me until the news came in.. on my phone It was negative. I had 7 people around me talking to me and i had to continue mundane conversation so i could gather myself and get out of there. 
I was devastated... i got out work and went home.And thankfully *B came home in a  few minutes  I wept inconsolably in B's arms. We don't know what happened and things like this make you realize nothing is in your control.  You can't do anything about it .. just lean on each other for support,to cry, to crib, to question.  I am not sure what the future holds for us now . But one thing I'm sure of I won't let it bog me down. I will get past it, move ahead (preferably with a smile!) to face whatever the future  has in store for us.

ET Day

For the last few years of my life ET was always the adorable alien from Steven Spielberg's ET :) In the world of IVF its a little different. The embryo transfer is sorta like the Final Exam or the Board Exam! This is what it all has been leading too. I had to skip a month as my cycle got  a little messed up with the dates so May 7th it was. I thought that the hard part was over... but like everything in IVF .. nothing is what it seems!the injections and vaginal progesterone pills raised their ugly head again so the jabs are back!But during  a FET (Frozen embryo Transfer)  i think its a lot easier to deal than a full fledged one!The days leading up to ET i was strangely not nervous. I swayed from calm to excited and when the D Day had come i was determined to be the first one in the OR. I am competitive but i have never competed with 'how full is your bladder' sorta thing. We were 3 or 4 of us waiting and Sujatha said out loudly. whoever's bladder's full goes in!! I pride myself on my reasonably decent bowel movements so i shoved my hand up and called out to her! Mine's full... i think(i muttered the 'I think 'slowly to myself) but damn! mine wasn't and i started to get a little paranoid. It was only after Dr Sheetal and Dr Ritu came and reassured me not to worry did i feel myself calm down.. that and * B's constant pushing me to finish a whole  bottle of water!

so my turn came and Dr Sheetal and I were in the corridor. It almost felt like i was about to enter the CAT exam hall  and in a second i was let in. I knew the drill by now. Legs in the wide stirrups as i was strapped together for Dr G to do his magic and then the cinematic experience began. The lights were dimmed out and only the ultrasound was visible to me. Dr Sheetal was right next to me pointing at the monitor  showing me how the lil embryos were floating into my uterus. It was surreal seriously and then in a couple of minutes.. she was like.. Its done! I was almost in shock!.. What!!..  So fast! I heaved myself up and thanked everyone inside. I was beaming from ear to ear(not sure why) and as Dr sheetal walked me out and i began to thank her .. she put her arm on my shoulder and said ' All i want is for us to see a postive for you'!

I'm in the dreaded 2 week wait now and i dont know what the outcome will be but I am incredibly thankful to the stellar team at Rotunda- Dr Gautam, Dr sheetal and Dr ritu and of course Nurse brigade of Sujatha, Bismillah and Reshma and of course Ramona and Miuskaan

Ive begin to realize that nothing is in my hands now.. Its all up to the folks above!Till then i cross my fingers, enjoy  a mallu movie, and WAIT!!

Magical Udaipur

We decided to take a break from it all and even though like usual we thought Goa, it creeped up on us to consider going somewhere else. Bumming around on a beach would be awesome but magical palaces would be too! And we decided to splurge a but compared to our usual stuff and i did feel like a princess. Fateh Prakash is historic, its beautiful and gives you a  great feeling  of what it would be like in the days of the maharajas and queens! While we did visit the city palace,roamed around in the markets and streets, did the day trip to Kumbalgargh and Ranakpur (which was long and tiring) some of my highlights were
- Dinner at Ambrai. A fabulous restaurant with not just delectable food but views of the magnificent Fateh Prakash which at night was bathed in the deep amber regal glow. That we had a super waiter who was super nice and friendly and shared our opinions about the bunch of loud delhi girls with gold sequenced phones sitting near us also helped! Gobsmackingly great food & kebabs. Upre was good for the view (not so much for the food) but this was super
- Walk to the temple right after ambrai- The best views are free....! Close by was a temple with steps down to the ghat so you could see the whole stretch. Magical& enchanting
- the Bar and the Bartender at Shiv Nivas Palace. I wish i would write a picture book with stories about regular people who fascinate me for some reason. It would be degrading to call it a 'bar'. it was regal with huge mirrors and luxurious sofas with this delightful old man who showed us around(we were the only 2 ones there). He has been working since 82 and was talking to us  about how udaipur has changed and how he has seen it evolve. Of course the bar at Surya darshan (with 'tasteful' naked women pictures ) was fun too . felt like one of the boys in the 1920's who had come for a drink!
- The Sweet little Painter uncle who was so eager to show us pictures of his daughter and her ' big company' in pune. she does draw but only as a hobby. He spoke with such pride about how his daughter has moved away from the fanily trade and is working in a bug city!not that i would doubt his talent but i think *B and I decided to buy because we liked him soo much!!

Which brings me back to something ive been thinking.  Fancy palaces and forts can make a place look gorgeous but its the people in it that gives it soul.And udaipur has plenty of that :)

What have i been upto!

Well its been over  a month since i posted.And quite a bit  has happened. The previous cycle was quite successful and we have quite a set of sparkling embryos. While we were hoping to do the transfer this month its been postponed for a while and we are taking the opportunity to have fun!

For  the lay person it may seem rather stupid but after months of invasive treatment, you want to sit back, relax and do the things you have been wanting to.We saw the fun play 'The Siddhus of upper Juhu' at NCPA . It was our first visit to NCPA and i was quite amazed. Not sure why we hadnt come before. Our attempts to have more fun at least is pushing us to go to Colaba and explore. We were stupid to go all the way to NCPA for the play on the wrong date but ended up having a fabulous dinner at Indigo and walking through the streets of Colaba. We also went to watch' Walk in the wood's with Rajat Kapoor and Naseerudin Shah. Oh My!!.. What a treat! :)

Last week we went to Bombay Canteen. After hearing so much about it i was happy that we were finally going and nervous thinking about whether it would be a letdown. What a fun, unpretentious place it was that i would love to go again. they have this concept of Chottus which they serve small buckets of goodies like Lotus Stem chips(yum) till you decide on your food. Pork Theplas, Calamari were our appetizers which we gobbled up till the last morsel.

B ordered Bheja fry with maska pao and i got the Mutton which was outstanding. The highlight i thought was Gulab Nut. Gulab Jamun in the form of a doughnut laced with old monk. What a fun fun fun night! Cant wait to go back

The last few weeks which we have 'made sure ' we have fun! Why cant we live like this all the time i wonder! Im excited about going home and Udaipur now!!

A fun 2 weeks ahead...!!

Round2

My trigger is tonight and i will have my pick on the 4th March. This has been slightly better than before since i was not on too many injections like last time so much so that my stomach looked like someone had driven over it! I was on clomid for 10 days and had around 6-7 injections only compared to 25 maybe (i think) last time. I am feeling also a little less moody and errratic. I'm praying for the best to happen and after my u/s today (last for the cycle) everything is  looking ok. I keep wondering when will my time come. It does not help that Facebook has everyone glorifying their lives, announcing the little one arrivals. The other day a colleague who is getting married soon was casually remarking' Oh.. i may just do ivf and get twins' . I just nodded casually thinking to myself. God! Nobody has a clue of what this entails. Nobody talks about it and even I have told really really few people. I wonder why. No one likes to admit they need help.

I think its something that couples do find it hard to get through. B* has been super supportive and is with me all the time. But i can see how this can drive people apart. I may get  some time before the transfer and i was suggesting that we go somewhere on holiday so that i dont think about medicines,jabs,ultrasounds, blood tests etc. I am literally at the doctors everyday!! 

I am optimistic and positive and  know i have a great team of doctors and nurses around me and i am so thankful for them everyday.Fingers crossed.. everything will go off well :)

An update on the Future

Well.. its been a few days and i felt like i was waiting for the results of my board exam or CAT! I was cautiously optimistic. We retrieved 9 eggs and 3 of them made embryos which is good, since some of them made great quality embryos, not so good since we hoped for more...
So the long and short story is that i will do another egg retreival cycle...but on a slightly different protocol..something which is called Mini IVF or IVF lite. Its supposed to more tablets and  very few injections (this was the part that convinced me to do it). Its a protocol usually followed by people who have diminished ovarian reserve. I am now on a break from all the jabs,digging,scans etc.... And enjoying it

M, B & I had a lovely lunch at Yautcha!We were excited to spot celebrities (andheri east dwellers get excited at this sorta thing) but more than that it was nicve to see M talk about other things than her little one! It was nice to see her get excited about the food and for once it seemed like it was like the good old days of Singapore.I am slowly getting back to my excercise regime.. Though laziness gets the better of me and hopefully will lose the weight soon that i think ( injections and hormones) made me fatter (though in reality it may just be all the junk food!)

I intend to enjoy this weekend too and got reservations for B and I at 2 places Ive been wanting to try out. Sunday is India vs Pak and i want B to spend it with the boys. I think he's been taking it harder than me.And i see him worried and stressed out a lot (Elegantization effect). I shouldn't be presumptuous but i think Ive handled it decently so far. If course i have my down days but i think i just count my blessings that we've gotten this far. Like i tell B , we've got a fabulous team who i trust implicitly so i think its a matter of time.We need to stay positive and visualise and it WILL happen!!

'The 'pick up'

For most people, a pick up alludes to the end of a romantic evening of 2 people interested in each other maybe just for a night or who knows what could happen technically.It could move on to be something beautiful. In  the IVF world a pick up is more of a colloquial way of calling the egg retrieval. Somehow pick up makes it seems less technical. Sort of picking up someone and dropping them of at the airport. Here its the eggs being picked up and taken to the lab and  then mixing  them up sperm to form beautiful sperms. 
I was given strict instructions,nothing by mouth after 12 pm till after the procedure. At 8 30 i was at the clinic where Reshma and Sujatha whisked me away to change into my gown and finish all the paperwork. Sweetly Sujatha got me hooked up to IV and sweetly said.. don't worry this is all that's going to hurt. Next thing you know you will be back here and wondering what happened. She couldn't be more right. I headed to the freezing OR and as i was being strapped on by many things i fell asleep. Next thing i wake up in the resting room slightly dizzy excited to see* b there waiting for me.For the next 2 hours i just took it easy with *B giving me sips of water every now and then. I was good to go in a few hours after i visited the bathroom and the doc and nurses  had seen to it that i was good to go. there was slight cramping and uneasiness the whole of the day but nothing super painful. I am on leave today as well. Thought i would take it easy! I deserve it.. to relax and rejuvenate

Mid cycle

It’s been 12-13 days since we started out IVF cycle. My one injection  a day  went up to 3 a day and if you look at my stomach it looks like a pick up truck rode over it. Shades of blue, pink, redness etc. We’ve been to the clinic practically every day for ultrasounds, tests, scans etc. the process is nerve-racking and difficult and I realise it’s as much of a mind game as it is a physical one. You need to believe in the greater picture… the vision and  feel it in every bone of your body. I’m scheduled for my retrieval or as they say in the IVF world ‘ pick up’ on Tuesday and I Reshma sister is coming home to give me my trigger shot at 10: 30 pm. I still have a long way in the journey .. My transfer, my hysteroscopy.. etc but I KNOW that this is my last round of injections with the trigger tonight. I believe.. I know that we will be blessed. More than anything I am so thankful for the effervescent Dr S who is with me every step of the way monitoring my follicles with more excitement than me. The wonder women/nurses sujatha,Bismillah and Reshma who administer all the injections, stuff and prepare me for scans with the quiet reassurance that it will all be worth it in the end.And of course the stud that B has been, holding my hand throughout all our appointments and doing impressions of things that make me smile and bringing in some fun with the phus phus and blums(our code words) . This process is stuff on couples emotionally andn physically exhausting .He’s my rock and I know someday when we look back at this when we are in bed with our son and daughter and scruffy pup we will look back on these days.. laugh and be thankful

It begins

I was a little shy i must admit to publish my earlier post but then if i can help someone understand whats its like or reassure someone why not!I had initially decided i would publish everything when it was all over but what the hell!! The internet becomes your best friend during these times and you are googling every symptom, every possibility. Anyway it all began today with  an unusually painful ultrasound. Anyway after all the medical probing and injection jabs with a doggybag of more injections i went back to work. I have no idea what lays ahead. B* very sweetly suggested after the insane amount of times i crib that women do everything.. that for every jab i did he would prick himself too. I would never let him do that but thankful and touched he thought of that. I am in the process of figuring how to manage stuff at work and hopefully i will get to it
Next visit Saturday 24th, hope everything is Ok. Let the jabbing continue

2 weeks pre IVF - 10th Jan 2015

10th Jan

I was all set to do another round of IUI until i got the phone call. Based on our diagnosis the doctors felt we should go straight to IVF. I was a litle taken aback. All along, i had hoped ... please let me never reach the stage of IVF. But then the inevitable happened. I dont think there is a way to prepare  yourself for these things. What you tend to do is read the scores of information on the web, stalk community forums, get scared and then do the same thing all over again. Ive been there and have been doing that... but i dont want to any an ything any more. As Tasneem (i think  in many ways she was sent for me) told me our questions shuold be directed to the doctor and not the internet and thats what I'm going to do. Meanwhile i am back to yoga with a renewed sense of vigor and hope.A lady who i respect a lot and admire in the professional world called me up yesterday so that i would hear whatever she had to say first from her.She's extremely senior and  I am quite a small fry compared to her but my respect for her doubled after  she called.There  are still great people in the world!

The New Year.. the New Me??

Wow! its ironic to realise that the last post was a year and 2 days ago. What is it with New Years and how it makes you reflect on the year gone by!Ive been contemplating writing for a while.So let me do away with the perfunctory reflection of 2014 away!Ive had a decent year.Worked at the same place for 2 years now which if you know me is something!Revisited turkey,finally went to Mood I (the college kid  in me screams yeaah!) but i think it was the year when i realised i am damn it 33!It was my health that made me question it. I can visit all the countries in the world,attend college festivals but a certain condition i was not aware of was brought to my notice which made me realise I am old and there is no 2 ways about it

Its a  little discomforting,a tad terrifying to wake up to the reality. Earlier i would also say i was 'around 30' . Or if someone asked me' are you 30' .. I would shrug and say Yup,sorta...

Now its different. Well the good news is I am doing yoga and conscious about what i eat and nutrition.
On the other hand,I am going through some personal tough times that i didn't think i would go through.It makes you revaluate your life and what you are doing and how you are spending it.The only resolution i have this year is to meditate, shut the noise out and connect with myself. I do hope i can overcome this